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"They laughed in our faces when we asked for a six digit hit-counter"

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Teacher Discovers LSD Stands for Longshore Drift as Drugged-up Child Launches Himself from Window

An investigation has been launched in a secondary school in Hammersmith, after several incidents of children sustaining injuries - usually after attempting to fly and falling out of classroom windows.


Some of the pupils were reported saying they “thought they were birds” and “wanted to teach themselves to fly again”.


As is turns out, the whole situation was caused by a rather amusing mishap, coming from none other than Bernard Stremmer, one of the school’s geography teachers.


Stremmer had recently joined the school staff, having completed his teacher training course, but admits there are bits of the course he had forgotten, which led to this unfortunate scenario.


“I was never really good with abbreviations” he told us, “obviously I know what longshore drift is, but I just never made the connection between that and LSD.”


An easy mistake to make Bernard, and one we can all empathise with.


“I’d bring acid to every lesson and made sure every child took a whole tab. I was just following the textbook.”


We asked Stremmer if there was a point where he realised something wasn’t quite right.


“Yes of course. My lessons are only an hour long, which isn’t really enough for the drugs to kick in. I began setting the LSD as homework, so that we’d all be really up when it came to class.”


“Have you ever looked at a globe on acid? It’s fucking incredible. Jack, one of my students, thought he could drink from the bloody thing. I’d get him to tell you about it but he’s in hospital nursing a broken leg. Kid thought he was a conker and fell from the top of a tree.”


Stremmer has yet to explain the ecstasy pills and cocaine found in his office, but we’re sure he has another perfectly valid explanation.


It's plain to see how the confusion could have arisen