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Amazon Prime Users Will Be Able to Get First Viewing of Jeff Bezos’ Penis

In light of recent news surrounding the apparent blackmail of Jeff Bezos with threats being made to expose his nude photos, the Amazon CEO has issued a statement reassuring everyone that he has complete control of the situation.


“Amazon value their customers. This is why I played hardball with David Pecker and negotiated a deal. Those with Prime accounts will be able to access the leaked photos before their official release date.”


“It’s the least I can do. At Amazon, we are a family. I want every single person connected with us to know we always have their back. Well, apart from our employees - I don’t want them getting any ideas.”


A truly noble gesture from Bezos, who claims all he had to do to negotiate the deal with Pecker, was promise not to make jokes referencing his phallic surname.


Amazon Prime subscriptions have decreased by 70% since the announcement was made 2 minutes ago