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A Moccasin Mystery: Only 12% of Virginia Shoe Polish Used On Shoes

A puzzling case of supply without demand has struck Virginia as it has emerged that the vast majority of shoe polish in the state is not being used to polish shoes. While only 12% of polish purchased in Virginia is being used for the purpose of giving shoes that extra shine, more than 12% of Virginians have shoes, baffling experts.

“As we all well know, shoe polish is used to polish shoes, which are used to cover our feet. Now most Virginians possess at least one foot so the shortfall in polish being used for its actual purpose is quite the conundrum” reported foot fetish expert Philip Lewis. “I mean, what on earth else would you use shoe polish for? The clue’s in the name!”

Virginians themselves seem hesitant to question this. “I just like the stuff, don’t ask me why. What the hell are you suggesting?” suggested Williamsburg resident Tucker Hannity. “Shoe polish is a Virginian tradition, whatever we may be using it for. Why did I pick it up from a skincare store and not a cobbler? Don’t ask me pal!”


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