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Top Things to Do on Your Visit to the Botanical Gardens

A day at the botanical gardens can be overwhelming, even for the most experienced thrill-seekers. We’ve produced a guide to ensure you make the most of your time there.

Tip everyone, including the plants

It’s a little known fact that plants in botanical gardens stopped receiving salaries in 2002. Be sure to give generously.

Bring a hostage

We don’t advocate kidnappings. But if you already happen to be keeping someone hostage, why not bring them along - children get to go free!

Proclaim yourself Ruler of the Daffodils

Make yourself a crown of petals and find the biggest stick you can to use as a sceptre.

Smell every flower and every person

We always see people smelling flowers, which is fine. But don’t forget the people are part of the exhibit too! Be sure to give everyone a good whiff as you walk by.

Grab some soil and run it through your fingers, saying “it’s a fresh batch today”

Ensure there are enough people within earshot and really marvel at the bit of ground you’ve just picked up. Offer to sell it to anyone looking particularly interested.

Scythe through all obtrusive greenery with a machete

God, these gardens are full of shrubbery and all this other shit. Rather than having to constantly duck and weave, let the machete do the work.

Shout “Timber!” then throw stones at a nearby family

Aim at the mother. Right between the eyes.

Warn all loud children that they’re scaring the plants

They can’t just parade around disturbing all the wonderful flora. Whack them with an olive branch if they still don’t get the message.

Try to outwit a Venus Fly Trap

Interpret this as you wish. I once almost got one to sign the adoption papers for my kids.

Wash your feet

Nobody will like you if you’re dirty.

Don't forget to wear your best botanical loafers!


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