A day at the botanical gardens can be overwhelming, even for the most experienced thrill-seekers. We’ve produced a guide to ensure you make the most of your time there.
Tip everyone, including the plants
It’s a little known fact that plants in botanical gardens stopped receiving salaries in 2002. Be sure to give generously.
Bring a hostage
We don’t advocate kidnappings. But if you already happen to be keeping someone hostage, why not bring them along - children get to go free!
Proclaim yourself Ruler of the Daffodils
Make yourself a crown of petals and find the biggest stick you can to use as a sceptre.
Smell every flower and every person
We always see people smelling flowers, which is fine. But don’t forget the people are part of the exhibit too! Be sure to give everyone a good whiff as you walk by.
Grab some soil and run it through your fingers, saying “it’s a fresh batch today”
Ensure there are enough people within earshot and really marvel at the bit of ground you’ve just picked up. Offer to sell it to anyone looking particularly interested.
Scythe through all obtrusive greenery with a machete
God, these gardens are full of shrubbery and all this other shit. Rather than having to constantly duck and weave, let the machete do the work.
Shout “Timber!” then throw stones at a nearby family
Aim at the mother. Right between the eyes.
Warn all loud children that they’re scaring the plants
They can’t just parade around disturbing all the wonderful flora. Whack them with an olive branch if they still don’t get the message.
Try to outwit a Venus Fly Trap
Interpret this as you wish. I once almost got one to sign the adoption papers for my kids.
Wash your feet
Nobody will like you if you’re dirty.