Salmon Industry Implodes After Mix Up With Alex Salmond

Disaster struck fisheries across Scotland yesterday after a court misprint charged the Salmon industry for several counts of sexual assault instead of former SNP Leader Alex Salmond.

Stocks plummeted from Dumfries to John O Groats as consumers in their masses refused to buy any salmon products that they believed were guilty of past abuses and might possibly commit more upon them.


“In light of all the uncertainty with Brexit in the fishing industry that has already been a tremendous strain upon resources, the addition problem of all salmon in Scotland being charged with 14 counts of sexual violence has really put our backs against the wall” reported James Glendall of the Scottish Trawler Department (STD).


“We totally appreciate why the court have made this misprint as we have ourselves found Mr Salmond caught in the netting amongst hundreds of fresh Atlantic Salmon on numerous occasions, yet we must stress that we expect this to be resolved as quickly as possible”.

In the meantime, the Sturgeon industry has held strong despite its strong links to salmon, with current SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon noting that she and Alex were never in the same loch at the same time.



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