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Conservatives Burn Poor People's Bikes in Attempt to Stop Poverty Cycle

Updated: Mar 11, 2019

Frank Sideass, Minister for Dual-Wheel Automation, demonstrates the policy in the centre of Oundle.

The Conservative Party have devised a new policy to put an end to the hated poverty cycle once and for all, by setting fire to the bicycles of those in the lowest tax bracket.

The proposed bill, which is supported by politicians from both sides of the aisle, is expected to pass comfortably through Parliament while everyone is too busy with Brexit to notice or care.

Indeed, few noticed as Daniel Kawczynski MP lit a full-sized replica beacon in the House of Commons, and chucked a few tandems into the blaze, in order to demonstrate how the scheme might be implemented.

Some MPs were so excited by the project that they chose not to wait for the bill to pass Parliament, instead choosing to head to rural regions of the country and begin burning, and thus enriching, right away.

One proactive MP fired up his Dad's Lancaster bomber and began loading up with incendiaries, exclaiming, "I'm bound to hit a few bicycles, and the loss of what's left of Britain's affordable housing is a small price to pay for ending poverty once and for all."

One Clitheroe man lamented that while it was a shame that his family had lost both of their bicycles and also their youngest son in the ensuing inferno, it was at least nice to see their local MP for once.

He was later angry to discover that his local MP, Nigel Evans, had cut his benefits whilst searing his derailleur with his flamethrower tank, all in the time it took for him to give The Toot a statement. Evans, when questioned in Commons later, argued that this was acceptable behaviour, "because he had recently freed the man from the terrible prison that was poverty".

Labour have announced their plan not to oppose the scheme, but to seek to reform it in the interests of the poorest members of the country. When questioned on the finer details of this policy, Corbyn admitted that this involved reshaping the charred ex-bikes into avant-garde sculptures which would be placed in the doorways of housing estates.


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