Rejected “table-for-one” requests? Unwelcoming glances and murmurs from fellow diners? We’ve seen it all before. Apparently not everyone deems it ‘socially acceptable’ that you want to treat yourself to a candlelit dinner at a luxury restaurant every once in a while. We can’t change the way people think. But we can help you trick them into believing you were expecting company who have failed to turn up. Now that’s two main courses with a side helping of sympathy.
Request a table for two
We’ve noticed that couples will usually make reservations for two people and this is a great place to start. Why not invent an amusing name for your ‘date’, like Willy Marmalade, or Walmart. We recommend starting with two to keep things simple, but as you get more experienced, see how many you can get away with!
Bring four watches and be constantly checking them
One on each wrist. One pocket watch that you leave out on the table. One Ben10 watch that that you keep in your gun holster. Make sure to have a glance at one of them every time your waiter is looking at you. Mumble things like “she should be here by now” or “she even took my fifth watch so she could be on time”.
Every time someone’s phone rings sprint over to their table and try to answer it
Bulldoze through people. Jump over chairs. Knock over tables. Do whatever it takes to reach that phone first. Then say “oh sorry I thought it might be her”. An automatic credibility boost. Can be done multiple times to the same phone.
Keep checking your wallet and pockets
Perhaps you left your dinner guest in there? The waiter will certainly think so.
Invite your spouse on the odd occasion
Don’t go too crazy with this one. Your spouse is only there to serve as a decoy, so that the restaurant recognises you do in fact have a partner. Don’t let the idea that this will be a regular occurrence get in their head - next thing you know they’ll want to bring the kids along too. Also be sure to keep dropping subtle hints about them not being very good with time, such as “you couldn’t tell the time if it dickslapped you across the earlobe Bryan”.
Wear a bonnet and carry a spare
This one doesn’t need much explaining. You brought an extra bonnet along for your guest who is yet to arrive.