What's that? Noticed your mate is pissing black urine again? When you check his stools, are they pale grey, greasy and floating in the toilet? Your bonhomie might be experiencing severe pancreatic cancer without even realising.
Checking for pancreatic cancer is pretty easy. Just slide one of those digits up in that rectum, and get palpating that prostate. You're going to want to check for texture, lumps and firmness.
Unfortunately, some people can get pretty up tight about a simple prostate exam, so here are some handy tips to help a chum while playing dumb!
1. Catch him while you're both engaged in another activity.
If you're both crocheting away, making Union Jack themed frocks for your respective grandmothers, will he really notice that one of your needles has disappeared to do some important investigation?
2. Encourage him to sit on long and thin objects.
Sure, it may look like an Eiffel Tower replica to the untrained eye. But any proctologist will know that bad boy could make sure that those symptoms aren't indicative of a longer-term health problem.
3. Gather a group of friends together to casually check your own prostates in front of him. Peer pressure will do the rest.
If everyone's doing it, he'll feel socially isolated just by the mere fact that he's the only one sat down, while you all ensure you'll live to a ripe old age. This is a great time to slam on Eminem's Shake That and perform a self cavity search in time to the beat.
4. Tell him that Tibetan monks would insert a pinecone through their sphincters to ready themselves for battle.
And he will have a long battle approaching, if this affliction isn't diagnosed and treated by a professional. Incidentally, one of the qualifications for becoming a Dalai Lama is to be able to fit two pinecones.
5. Do it without him noticing.
Just fucking go for it. Maybe he won't notice. Maybe that laudanum you slipped into his drink will work its magic. Who cares? He needs to get checked, and unless you do it, who will? Fred? That guy's had Type 2 Diabetes for years and he doesn't have a clue. It has to be you. Take the plunge.