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Disciples Ranked from Least to Most Likely to Betray You

Updated: Feb 10, 2019

Too often people find themselves in a situation where they’re in the company of Jesus’s disciples and they just don’t know who they can trust. I’ve decided to make things a little easier for you with this ranked list.

Some of these men will be plotting your demise this very moment

12. Philip

A pretty meek name for an apostle. This guy wouldn’t have the balls to betray you even if he wanted to. You can trust Phil's cheques. They're less likely to bounce than a child dropped from a dam.


11. Andrew

Pretty zany character. You can trust him with pretty much anything, apart from an open can of cider - we all know about this legend’s boozy past, especially the people whose lives were ruined by his drunk driving.


10. James (son of Zebedee)

Given a far less quirky name than his father’s. A pretty ordinary fella without any ulterior motives.


9. John

Your bog-standard disciple. Doesn’t pose much of a threat, although does have a weird thing about showing his toes. Might engage in some mild betrayal, probably involving sending pictures of your feet to Quentin Tarantino.


8. James (son of Alphaeus)

The second of the James’ and slightly more likely to want to betray you. Has trouble following things through so shouldn’t pose much of a threat.


7. Simon the Canaanite

A man with a troubled past. Means well but is a renowned blabber-mouth so be careful not to overshare with him. Once he told an embarrassing story involving JC, an Armenian proctologist and a missing Action Man figure, which I'm not at liberty to go into here.


6. Judas

You can probably trust this guy. He’s definitely a better bet than some of the other sleazebags in this list. For one thing, he supplied a lot of the high quality wooden furniture in my thatched house for a reasonable price, unlike that swindler Joseph.


5. Bartholomew

Half man, half deceit. We’re now entering dangerous territory. Have your wits about you when dealing with this tricky customer. Once I saw him talking to one of those money changers, and I don't know what they were up to, but given the amount of fibre-optic cables changing hands, I suspect some form of High Frequency Trading.


4. Thomas

Do not turn your back on Thomas the Traitor. And by no means accept cheques from him either. Remember that child-dam analogy earlier? Well, now imagine substituting something the child for something far more bouncy, like that same child force-fed seven hundred bouncy balls. That's how likely that cheque is to go *boing*.


3. Matthew

The tax collector - what else could we expect? Places bronze on our backstabbing podium and will do anything to get his hands on your gold. This bastard came round with his notepad the other day, and when I looked up this so-called 'Friendship Tax', I found that he made the whole thing up.


2. Simon Peter

Nothing but a deceitful, lying, no-good, fornicating mountebank. Claims he changed his first name to Peter, but I just don't know what to believe anymore. I've never felt so betrayed.


1. Thaddeus

Who? Exactly. This guy has managed to keep himself under the radar, but he hasn’t slipped through our net. We know you’re out there Thaddeus. Plotting. Scheming. Watching.