In the biggest sporting scandal since Lance Armstrong confessed to doping, rumours have emerged that Jake Stephens of Blackheath Primary School has been bending the rules in order to defeat his peers in their lunchtime racing competitions.
As shouts of “to the fence and back” echoed across the playground and hoards of victory-hungry kids set off for the finish line, Jake has been a clear winner in every race, and by some margin, which has raised suspicion in onlooking pupils and staff alike.
“He’s not touching the fence, it’s not fair!" said fellow student Greg, who was keen to offer an opinion despite displaying frequent last place finishes.
Others claim that they even saw Jake running halfway to the fence, waiting until the other competitors turn around, before calmly finishing in first.
Mr Groves, who teaches year 5, admitted that Jake had even beaten him in races, despite the fact he is clearly in the prime of his sporting career, having recently run a marathon to raise money for children with Leukaemia.
Mr Groves complained to us that it was only "because he kicked me in the shins, and then slammed my ballsack with the palm of his hand. I haven't seen fighting moves like that since I learnt Krav Maga. Fingers crossed he gets cancer, but a different form to leukaemia. I don't want money I raise going to him.”
Jake has also been accused of peeking in hide and seek and not admitting to being touched in games of bulldog - both of which would be serious blemishes on his sporting career if proven true.
When asked, the President of the IOC refused to comment, before asking us if we could leave the men's bathroom of their international headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland.
