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7 Foolproof Ways to Scare off That Lousy Telemarketer

Updated: Jan 25, 2019

Tired of receiving phone calls offering you unwanted products? Why not face the problem head on and take it out on the person hired to make those calls in order to make an honest living - after all, they’re probably not even a real human!

We’ve compiled our favourite methods to ensure those good-for-nothing telemarketers don’t bother you anymore.

Scream down the phone.

Old but gold. This method costs you very little effort, but will make sure to make someone else’s day even just that little bit worse.

Hit 'em with your favourite swear words

Really let your imagination take over with this one. Anything from willy-diddler to whorecunt is fair game. Perhaps sprinkle a bit of “worthless piece of shit” on just before you hang up.

Make fun of their accent

Telemarketers come in all shapes and sizes. It’s this variety that makes ruining their day all the more exciting. This works best if your geography is a little rusty - professionals will perfect just one accent and use that to mock all foreign-sounding telemarketers. If you have time to spare, why not ask their name and take a dig at that too!

Use your 3-year-old as a battering ram to destroy your phone

You’ve forgotten everything you’ve learned about shutting down telemarketers. You’re in a panic - sweating and confused. No need to fear, you spot your toddler playing with their toys. Let me tell you they’d be much happier being used as a weapon to smash that phone. Swoop them up and bash away. They may even lose a few brain cells, but who needs them all anyway right? I mean, you’re doing just fine without them!

Bake a lemon drizzle, then cut off all telecoms in your household

Dealing with telemarketers can be stressful. Sometimes the only way to get rid of them is to cut your home off from all forms of communication - but not before a bit of baking!

Try to recruit them to your startup, but offer an insultingly low salary

You’ve been sitting on a great idea for a startup for years now - some sort of company that gains its customers through cold-calling. Offer the telemarketer a position as your business partner, making it clear they’ll be getting underpaid. That’ll ruffle their feathers. And if they accept? You might have just made yourself a friend for life.

Tell them about the housewarming party you're having this weekend, making sure to let them know they’re not invited.

Alcohol. Music. Women. Those are just 3 non-palindromic words, but you assure the telemarketer you could name several more, even if you’re not sure that’s the case. You proceed to tell them about the party you’re organising instead. Gary and John will be there, perhaps some of their mates too! You know who won’t be there? That’s right, that ruddy telemarketer! Unless they bring dip. Come to think of it, would be good to get some more numbers. Tell them they’re in.


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