7 Ways to Get Your Local Priest to Come onto You Without Feeling like a Slutty Nun

Updated: Feb 10, 2019

1. Wear what you want - He won’t be picky, don't feel you need to wear the lingerie.


2. Don’t say Virgin Mary, say VIRGIN Mary - Whenever you get the chance, look at the Virgin Mary and *sigh* plaintively, muttering “I bet she wishes she was just Mary”.


3. Be under 18 years old - 6% of Priests have been ousted as paedophiles. The rest just need a little persuasion.


4. Have genitals - Be in possession of sexual organs.


5. Have a favourite music artist who was also a paedophile.

Don’t worry, it’s not difficult, literally fucking thousands of them have done this. Seriously, just google it.


6. Eat communion bread for breakfast so he knows what a bad bitch you are.

"But that bread is for communion my child," he'll say, "you'll have to be punished". Well done, you've created yourself a sacrilegious way through his vestments!


7. Constantly ask your Priest if it's better to refer to him as Father, or Daddy.

These two know what we're about.

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