Darren was the textbook definition of success. He lived in a huge house with his wife and 3 children, owned a luxury car, and worked as a doctor. One day he was at a charity event and got talking to TV host Chris Tarrant.
After a nice conversation, the pair exchanged numbers. The following night Darren was woken up by his phone in the middle of the night - it was Chris: “Hey there buddy, just thought I’d...phone a friend."
Darren appreciated the joke but explained he had to sleep and that they could talk at a more convenient time.
The same thing happened the following night, which irritated Darren. Due to his job, he had to carry his phone on him at all times in the event of an emergency, and the late night calls from Tarrant persisted.
He’d often ring up drunk and say things like, “Well, we all want to be millionaires mate, but not all of us have the bollocks to go out and do it like I do,” or “When I said 50/50 I meant I wanted one that’s half Spanish you know what I mean? And he brings me one that’s half a fucking ham roll away from getting harpooned out on the ocean”.
The insomnia was having a detrimental impact on Darren’s life. He became rude and distant to his family and was not able to function properly. His wife cheated on him and the couple divorced several months later.
Eventually Darren quit his job and cut off all contact with Tarrant for some time. He lives alone in a one bedroom flat and works as a telemarketer.
Chris occasionally rings his work number and feigns interest in buying a product but just before confirming his purchase says “Oops! And that’s all we have time for!” before hanging up.
Kirsten too was living a good, happy life. She lived in central London and was a very good artist. She had a few successful exhibitions to her name and was getting paid for her work so that she could comfortably live off it.
This was of course, up until the point she encountered Chris Tarrant.
He visited one of her exhibitions. After a discussion about art, Tarrant offered Kirsten his business card.
As she reached for it, Tarrant retracted his hand saying “but I’m not going to give you that,” then proceeded to rip up the card and give her a fresh one from his pocket. Kirsten found the gag hilarious and applauded it, oblivious to the danger she was bestowing upon herself.
Her laughter had set Tarrant off. He was let loose and ran wildly around the gallery and Kirsten could only watch as he would manically rip apart years of her hard work, painting by painting.
By the time the critics arrived it was too late. They were less than impressed and the exhibition was over, as was Kirsten’s career.
She was in tears and could not understand why the ITV star would do such a thing. Tarrant began to show remorse and wrote out a cheque for Kirsten to cover all the damage costs and allow her to get back on her feet and reboot her career.
Once a confused Kirsten had stopped crying, she thanked Chris and went to reach for the cheque. As she reached for it, Tarrant retracted his hand saying "I’m not going to give you that,” then proceeded to rip up the cheque. When Kirsten didn't laugh at the rehashed card gag, Tarrant grew angry, throwing his wine over Kirsten before storming off.
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