People often say that romance is dead, but we don’t believe that to be the case. If you’re struggling to think of something romantic to do this Valentine’s Day, we’ve picked out some classics you may have forgotten about.
1. Let him watch you and your lover having hot sex
He’s been having a rough time recently. He’s almost definitely cottoned on to the fact you’re cheating on him, and in these winter months it’s especially easy to feel lonely. You haven’t been sleeping together, but this Valentine’s Day, don’t make him resort to porn. Front row seats to your sex marathon is the perfect gift. He can sit wherever he wants - on the corner of the bed, or on the desk - this year, it’s all about him!
2. Role play
We all know about sexy cops and teachers, why not try some alternatives? Hedwig and Ron Weasley. Ed Sheeran and Rupert Grint. Ed Sheeran and Ron Weasley. The possibilities are endless - get creative!
3. Dress up as a doctor and deliver someone’s baby
Walk right into that hospital and find the most pregnant woman you can. Deliver that baby like you’ve been a surgeon your whole life. If you see a hot nurse in the vicinity, offer her the baby as a Valentine’s Day gift.
4. Let them finish first for once!
Ladies, men are tired of finishing long after you’ve had your fair share of sex! For once, let them pound away half-heartedly for 3 minutes before collapsing in a cum-stained heap on top of you. Try it, it’s exciting and almost never happens!
5. Drive Old Man Gerald out of this town once and for all
This town ain’t big enough for the both of you. That pesky neighbour Gerald has been grinding your gears for too long. Release a plague of locusts into his home and finally get rid of the old timer.
6. Sacrifice your first-born goat to the altar of the Gods of Egypt
It’s not Valentine’s Day without a good old-fashioned sacrifice. Woo your love interest by placing the still beating heart of your first-born goat on the Egyptian altar in your kitchen.
7. Tell them what happened all those years ago at the ol’ boathouse
Look. It’s time. Reveal where you left Rachel’s body, and how you can’t sleep at night without thinking about it.
8. Spaff yourself on a bus
There is no greater compliment than ejaculating in your pants in front of someone, right? Well how about a bus full of people! This selfless gesture is bound to make everyone feel a little more loved. Why not try produce a heart-shaped cumstain? That extra bit of effort sure won’t got unappreciated!
9. If he has a child from a previous marriage, invite them into the bedroom
In days of yore, if you had step-children, it was traditional to invite them into the bedroom on valentine's day so they knew there were no secrets being kept from them. This one is both romantic and brings the family closer together.
10. Spy on Robert Downey Jr.
We all know how everyone spends their Saturdays. Using high-powered drone and satellite technology tracking the movements of everyone’s favourite Iron Man. But if you really want to spice things up then bring the partner along to watch him going to the dry-cleaners, or send telegrams, like a real person!